One year with cancer today; thank you!

feffe kaufmann cancer past during now

Today I celebrate one year with cancer! ✨

Being in the very end of it and with the next screening I will be ”cancer free” I can now assure that it was the best thing ever happened to me. I will be struggling for the year to come to regain my physic but thats nothing to complain about!

To enrich my life and to maintain the gratefulness of small everyday things and wonders I was recommended by Mikael Karlholm, a truly beautiful soul, to set out on a 28 days quest of gratefulness guided by the book; The magic. I now done three laps and started every morning with writing ten things, big or small, that I’m truly grateful for. Everyday the book gave me an additional task from all imaginable layers of life to be grateful for. Relationship, money, career, family, self development, love and much more.

It has been a dramatic 12 months of my life and today on feb 14th of February when it’s my cancer anniversary day I want to thank life, all my beautiful friends and family and the universe for everything and I’m honestly grateful for the diagnose and chain of motion with all the good things that came along with it.

Cancer is the cresendo of my journey filled adventure, laughs, awesome experiences and joy but also a parallell dark journey full of car and bus accidents, destruction, tsunami in Khao lak, huge fire outbreak in Boracay with casualties, multiple injuries, surgeries and hospital time, being suicidal, broken childhood, drug abuse, bullemi, and general low self-esteem; all brought to me by the universal law of attraction. If it wouldn’t been for all my beautiful friends I guess I would have been long gone long time ago spiralling down my road of destruction.

If you always have negative thoughts about yourself, life will match those thoughts with negative happenings and circumstances. I been put on trail so many times during my life but I always somehow bounced back. When the cancer diagnose came I was of course first in chock but it didn’t take long until I felt this realm of calmness. It was just another obstacle to get through and I was always sure it was just another bump on the road and nothing else. It felt unfair but then again I hadn’t changed the view of myself.

The last decade I had enough and slowly started my journey to change that. I had enough. But change doesn’t come easy when it comes changing yourself and I’m still searching and working with myself everyday.
I’m now at peace with my broken upbringing and I have now forgiven my alcoholic mother because I now truly know she tried her very best with the hand given to her and the path she chose to walk. Being a parent is anything but easy. And on top of it being traumatised witnessing her own four year old daugter being crushed into a concrete wall by a drunk driver outside our house in Brazil does not make life easier for either her nor the family. The fact that her father commited suicide by throttling his car into a mountain wall when she was a young woman, only that, can get any person down the spirilling road to alcoholism and denial for ones own responsibility for happiness, forgiveness and magical life.

Cancer have speeded up my internal healing process, understanding of whats really important in life for me and given me a entire new meaning and for that I’m forever grateful. It given me new beautiful friends, opened doors I would be sceptical open before and on top of that opened my heart and eyes for the life I’m living today and for the man and father I want to be tomorrow.

Today I salute myself and celebrate this consumer friendly day of love by for once giving a lot of love to myself. My past doesn’t predict my future any more, I do. It made me who I am but it does not define my actions, who I want to be and the life I want to live. I honour my past but from today I won’t regret anything anymore.

Thank you life, thank you everyone that been in my life, thank you love, thank you past, thank you future to come and thank you all for all the love and support. I am truly grateful for everything and words are not enough to mirror how grateful I am for everything; and blessed with many moments and years to come.

I see you on the flip side of life, much love / Feffe <3

#beherenow #fuckcancer #staypositive #livelife

Cancer, chemo & communication

Pans Labyrinth Feffe #fuckcancer(Tuesday 14th of March 08.28. First entry.)

It’s so strange as it is fascinating. I can really tell that the human body is a marvellous combination of chemical reactions, symbiosis and team play. Of course personality, mind set and the wiring of my own brain plays a part in all of this too, but the effect from going through chemo is nothing I could ever have fore seen.

#fuckcancer chemo feffe kaufmann

I’m writing this post as a way to let you all know whats going on. I received so much love and thoughts from near, wide, close and far away that it is impossible for me to reply to you all just because of my energy level. I’m trying my best just to cope with everything.

Chemo, and especially the Monday and Friday chemo syrgine, hit me like a huge wave distorting everything from body temperature to being able to think. My thoughts have been sliding around like a foot on a seaweed covered rock by the water line, making a chain of thought as demanding as disorientating.

#fuckcancer chemo feffe kaufmann medicine

(Tuesday 14th of March 17.11. Second entry.)

Dizziness. Constant nausea. I’m as unstable as an isotop of Uranium at the time being going from feeling well to shivering to just want to sleep. Mood changes, will power depletion, stamina to do other than lie down and just breathe.

Anger. Samson. Tears. Hope. Friends. Hatred. Motivation. Bad conscience. Goal orientated. Acceptance. Therapy. Forward. Daily routine. Anxiety attack. Day by day. So many words, so many feelings and thoughts. Then the occasional vacuum and universal quitness. Most of the time I’m fine with it all. Other times not so good.

#fuckcancer feffe kaufmann 666 chemo

(Wednesday 15th of March 10.34 Third entry.)

I’m now at day 10 in my first cycle of chemo. My tomur and left testical is now a gonner. X-ray shows I got metastases behind my stomach and upwards close to my spine that are around 2,5-3 cm each. Every chemo cycle targeting the metastases are 3 weeks. First week I do chemo intravenous Monday to Friday at KI. On Monday and Friday I get an additional super sonic chemo syringe. (They really hate me.) Second week is vacation and regeneration time with some tests (as always). Third week is just a chemo syringe, tests and then… it starts all over again.

#fuckcancer feffe kaufmann chemo feeling not so good

(Thursday 16th of March 16.16 Fourth entry.) (Today is my brothers birthday! Feliz aniversario irmão! <3)

The outlook is good. My mind is set to celebrate a proper midsummer. (Sandra and Uffe, reserve a bed for me are you sweet! <3) I need to go through 3 cycles of chemo and await a verdict. In the end of April, for my birthday, I’ll get a proper status update from the doctors. Until then I’m kind of hanging in the wind with the 95 positive percent that walk away cured and healthy. There’s a possibility that I need to do stomach surgery as well but this will not happen, period. I’m going to play with Samson, go skateboarding, hang out with friends and go dancing at Gagnef, smiling, living and loving instead of being crippled and doing rehab all summer and fall.

I am a fighter and I won’t give up. There is only one way to go and that is forward. I recently exited the first week and now I only need to fight thru another 8 to finish the chemo period. Then it’s over. Finished. Gone and never ever to come back again.

Without Samson mom, Anna and her family, my brother and my dear friends and colleagues this would have been a nightmare in so many ways. I’m so thankful for you all. Every one of you. I’m so thankful for all support. I’m so thankful for nurses and doctors doing their best.

I’m so thankful for everything and today I met an amazing energetic wonder woman that set fire on my already determined mind and boosted it with positive mind set, energy and more determination to walk away from this.A girlfriend put me in touch with her. She’s been fight her Leukemia for a year now and I visited her at Karolinska as I had to go for some more tests. We had a really nice chat and she welcomed me with open arms. She and many others are real heroes. Therefore, what ever it might be worth, I want to dedicate this post to her! When ever in doubt, always be Natali! It’s way better then being an imaginary Batman type of hero any day. Fuck cancer and be Natali! <3

By the way – anyone that understood the ”ginger in my hand picture”?  ;)

PS. I just want to get well now…

And don’t forget to support Ung Cancer! (Yes, I’m still young! ;) )

feffe kaufmann #fuckcancer chemo day 10