It’s so strange as it is fascinating. I can really tell that the human body is a marvellous combination of chemical reactions, symbiosis and team play. Of course personality, mind set and the wiring of my own brain plays a part in all of this too, but the effect from going through chemo is nothing I could ever have fore seen.
I’m writing this post as a way to let you all know whats going on. I received so much love and thoughts from near, wide, close and far away that it is impossible for me to reply to you all just because of my energy level. I’m trying my best just to cope with everything.
Chemo, and especially the Monday and Friday chemo syrgine, hit me like a huge wave distorting everything from body temperature to being able to think. My thoughts have been sliding around like a foot on a seaweed covered rock by the water line, making a chain of thought as demanding as disorientating.
(Tuesday 14th of March 17.11. Second entry.)
Dizziness. Constant nausea. I’m as unstable as an isotop of Uranium at the time being going from feeling well to shivering to just want to sleep. Mood changes, will power depletion, stamina to do other than lie down and just breathe.
Anger. Samson. Tears. Hope. Friends. Hatred. Motivation. Bad conscience. Goal orientated. Acceptance. Therapy. Forward. Daily routine. Anxiety attack. Day by day. So many words, so many feelings and thoughts. Then the occasional vacuum and universal quitness. Most of the time I’m fine with it all. Other times not so good.
(Wednesday 15th of March 10.34 Third entry.)
I’m now at day 10 in my first cycle of chemo. My tomur and left testical is now a gonner. X-ray shows I got metastases behind my stomach and upwards close to my spine that are around 2,5-3 cm each. Every chemo cycle targeting the metastases are 3 weeks. First week I do chemo intravenous Monday to Friday at KI. On Monday and Friday I get an additional super sonic chemo syringe. (They really hate me.) Second week is vacation and regeneration time with some tests (as always). Third week is just a chemo syringe, tests and then… it starts all over again.
(Thursday 16th of March 16.16 Fourth entry.) (Today is my brothers birthday! Feliz aniversario irmão! <3)
The outlook is good. My mind is set to celebrate a proper midsummer. (Sandra and Uffe, reserve a bed for me are you sweet! <3) I need to go through 3 cycles of chemo and await a verdict. In the end of April, for my birthday, I’ll get a proper status update from the doctors. Until then I’m kind of hanging in the wind with the 95 positive percent that walk away cured and healthy. There’s a possibility that I need to do stomach surgery as well but this will not happen, period. I’m going to play with Samson, go skateboarding, hang out with friends and go dancing at Gagnef, smiling, living and loving instead of being crippled and doing rehab all summer and fall.
I am a fighter and I won’t give up. There is only one way to go and that is forward. I recently exited the first week and now I only need to fight thru another 8 to finish the chemo period. Then it’s over. Finished. Gone and never ever to come back again.
Without Samson mom, Anna and her family, my brother and my dear friends and colleagues this would have been a nightmare in so many ways. I’m so thankful for you all. Every one of you. I’m so thankful for all support. I’m so thankful for nurses and doctors doing their best.
I’m so thankful for everything and today I met an amazing energetic wonder woman that set fire on my already determined mind and boosted it with positive mind set, energy and more determination to walk away from this.A girlfriend put me in touch with her. She’s been fight her Leukemia for a year now and I visited her at Karolinska as I had to go for some more tests. We had a really nice chat and she welcomed me with open arms. She and many others are real heroes. Therefore, what ever it might be worth, I want to dedicate this post to her! When ever in doubt, always be Natali! It’s way better then being an imaginary Batman type of hero any day. Fuck cancer and be Natali! <3
By the way – anyone that understood the ”ginger in my hand picture”?
PS. I just want to get well now…
And don’t forget to support Ung Cancer! (Yes, I’m still young! )